I know that my readers vary in age and life experience and,
though I hate to divide you, I want to talk to you separately for a moment.
First, I want to talk to the parents, grandparents, and
older folks who might be caregivers of younger folks.
Every generation has a habit of looking at the next
generation with an overly critical eye. I
want to make clear that we have, as older generations, an obligation to help
guide and impart values and culture on the younger generation and the younger
generation has a responsibility to engage in this transmission process. That does not mean that we, the current older
generation, have the right to trivialize the developing morals and values of
this younger generation. We understand more
and more that to attack a person’s ideas and values and demean what is
important to them actually causes considerable damage to the individual’s
self-concept over a period of time.
Don’t forget, too, that the teenage years are marked by a
process called “differentiation” in which teenagers seeks to define themselves
as something different from their
parents. It’s part of identity
development. It’s often the case that
the harder parents and other formative adults push an idea or value or theory,
the harder the teenager will fight to reject that idea, value, or theory. If you think that’s just new age
psychobabble, think about your own childhood and how you fought against ideas like women being relegated to either the
secretary pool or the family home or how men couldn’t be nurturing,
stay-at-home parents.
I bring this up because, given both the nature of time and
human nature, we find ourselves as an older generation being the caretakers of
the most progressive generation—a generation which some call “lost” or “amoral”
or even “disastrous.” Some people who
feel called to comment on the status of society lament that we aren’t the “country
we used to be” because we’ve lost so many of our “traditional values” as we
continue to cave to the “pressure” of being our children’s friends and not
their authority figures. There’s
obviously a number of things wrong with this mentality.
1.
Our country has never been what we think it
was. That’s the trap of nostalgia; we
can remember things as fondly as our imaginations will permit but the reality is
that when we were living through “the good old days” they actually weren’t that
good.
2.
There has never been such a thing as monolithic “traditional
values.” I wish there was a way we could
strike this pairing of words from our common consciousness. Often times we see this phrase thrown around
within the context of marriage equality conversations. “Gay marriage goes against traditional
Christian values” is a statement we hear over and over again by people who have
obviously never opened their Bibles to see that so-called “Christian marriage”
was a contractual ceremony in which a man took possession of his new
property. What’s more, in the accepting
of that new property he would actually be paid to take her. For me, as a Christian person of faith, “traditional
Christian values” means attending to the teachings of Christ and not some pastor/preacher/priest. You know, doing the things Jesus of Nazareth
commanded like feeding the hungry, housing the homeless, caring for the sick,
working for justice….those sorts of things that people who complain about an
absence of “traditional values” mock and intentionally disrupt through their
political maneuvering.
3.
Using the knowledge that we are given through
science and psychology is not caving to the pressure our kids supposedly put on
us. We are not their friends. We simply acknowledge that the world has
changed and the same authoritarian approach to coerce compliance to some abstract
standard that may no longer be relevant in today’s world is a waste of
time.
Again, if you doubt what I’m saying, think about your own
childhood. But as you do remember what I
said about “the good old days” and don’t let your mind play the nostalgia trick
on you.
When we, as an older generation, look at what the younger
generation recognizes as leadership, as their heroes, as their role models, we
all too often find ourselves shaking our heads and dismissing any possible good
that might come from that movie, video, song, or message. We can’t see past the clothes they wear, the
language they use, the “intentional affront to morality and decency” we
perceive. We reject them as purveyors of
pornography and their message as devoid of value.
But here’s the thing.
The younger generation or the segments of the younger generation that
that actor or artist or activist is addressing sees that message sender because of how they’re dressed. The clothes, the hair, the makeup—the whole
package—establishes an instant bond and a certain amount of credibility. Why do you think Christian clergy wear dog
collars? The language they use,
including that “profanity” we might think is so completely unnecessary,
communicates an authenticity to the intended audience. It says that the speaker respects them enough
not to filter their words or pretend to be something they aren’t.
If you want to see a really good example of what I’m
talking about, look at
this YouTube video created by Jack Merridew (on Twitter
@OfficalJackM). A lot of Jack’s
followers were upset by the content and the language. They thought it was crude and the subject
material even disturbing. But here’s the
thing: I would be surprised if Jack
Merridew ever did a video that wasn’t provocative in some way but what Jack
does in videos like this is actually POWERFUL.
He’s being authentic. He’s sharing
necessary information to an audience that may not have anyone to ask and
because Jack doesn’t treat them as inferior and presents himself as a real
person, they trust Jack to be honest
with him. Is it the way I would have a conversation like the one
Jack does? Hell no. But I also recognize that we can’t be all
things to all people. We just need be
what people in need need us to be. (See,
that’s “traditional” Christian values talking there.) Jack’s approach is needed because he has a
credibility people like me don’t have and uses a language people like me find
uncomfortable and even sometimes embarrassing.
We need to be grateful for the multitude of voices that speak to these
important topics because each one, whether we agree with their approach or not,
has and audience and is important.
These are not your heroes or your role models. They are not going to use a language that you
decided was appropriate; the same language the generation before yours said was
too far over the line. They are not
going to abide by the rules you adhered to after breaking the rules that were
set on you. This is the natural
progression of the generations, to step out and define themselves as they poke
and prod and explore the world around them to determine what is right and wrong,
what works and what doesn’t, and what to keep from the previous generations and
what to lay to rest.
Now, for the rest of you who happen to be my younger
readers. I’m not going to spend as much
time with you. (I actually wanted to
spend time with the older folks today and I think you know why.) I hope you don’t feel cheated. I’m not going to repeat things I’ve said with
regard to becoming who you associate with and so on because I’ve already
blogged about all that. What I want to
say is this: As difficult as it
sometimes is, please be patient with the adults in your life. It’s not easy raising parents today because
over the past 20 years our world has changed so dramatically it’s left a lot of
older folks who were raised in the dark ages before cell phones and Instagram lost
and confused. The rapidity of
information exchange and the ideas that are so easily circulated confuse and
worry many of the adults in your life because their brains haven’t been trained
to keep up with it all like yours have been.
We used to focus on obvious culture gaps in our
society. They were “obvious” because
they were visible. The civil rights
movement, for example, demonstrated an enormous culture gap. But I think, with the ever evolving digital
landscape, there’s an even larger culture gap between young people and older
people. I mean, there’s a whole set of
cultural rules and norms for Twitter that adults don’t get and think is a waste
of time. Like the whole “liking” of
things. How many of you feel guilty for missing
the opportunity to “like” something on Twitter?
How many of you feel slighted if someone doesn’t like something you tweet?
These are things adults, as a rule, don’t get. But you get it and it’s important to
you. You can try to explain it to but be
patient. If they still don’t get it,
make them listen to this piece from “This
American Life” that features three teenagers trying to explain the politics of
Instagram.
By the way, adults reading this? If you need your fix of “Hey you kids, get
off my lawn!” check out
this blog post I did a week or so ago.
We can get caught up in the moment. We can make nearly any moment a
make-it-or-break-it moment. We can fight
so hard to try to force “the other side” to understand and even accept “our
side” (and this is true for older folks AND younger folks alike). My suggestion? For everyone involved? Step back and take a breath. I guarantee that the vast majority of adults
and the vast majority of teens aren’t out there trying to intentionally upset
you just because you sit on one side of the divide. People like Jack Merridew aren’t putting
content out there to “undo the fabric of civilization” or to undermine “traditional
values” (whatever they may be). We’ve
become so focused on winning and winning people to “our way” of thinking that
we’ve forgotten one of the most important things we should be doing: Talking with each other.
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