Not Your Role Models

I know that my readers vary in age and life experience and, though I hate to divide you, I want to talk to you separately for a moment.

First, I want to talk to the parents, grandparents, and older folks who might be caregivers of younger folks.

Every generation has a habit of looking at the next generation with an overly critical eye.  I want to make clear that we have, as older generations, an obligation to help guide and impart values and culture on the younger generation and the younger generation has a responsibility to engage in this transmission process.  That does not mean that we, the current older generation, have the right to trivialize the developing morals and values of this younger generation.  We understand more and more that to attack a person’s ideas and values and demean what is important to them actually causes considerable damage to the individual’s self-concept over a period of time.

Don’t forget, too, that the teenage years are marked by a process called “differentiation” in which teenagers seeks to define themselves as something different from their parents.  It’s part of identity development.  It’s often the case that the harder parents and other formative adults push an idea or value or theory, the harder the teenager will fight to reject that idea, value, or theory.  If you think that’s just new age psychobabble, think about your own childhood and how you fought against ideas like women being relegated to either the secretary pool or the family home or how men couldn’t be nurturing, stay-at-home parents. 

I bring this up because, given both the nature of time and human nature, we find ourselves as an older generation being the caretakers of the most progressive generation—a generation which some call “lost” or “amoral” or even “disastrous.”  Some people who feel called to comment on the status of society lament that we aren’t the “country we used to be” because we’ve lost so many of our “traditional values” as we continue to cave to the “pressure” of being our children’s friends and not their authority figures.  There’s obviously a number of things wrong with this mentality. 

1.     Our country has never been what we think it was.  That’s the trap of nostalgia; we can remember things as fondly as our imaginations will permit but the reality is that when we were living through “the good old days” they actually weren’t that good.

2.     There has never been such a thing as monolithic “traditional values.”  I wish there was a way we could strike this pairing of words from our common consciousness.  Often times we see this phrase thrown around within the context of marriage equality conversations.  “Gay marriage goes against traditional Christian values” is a statement we hear over and over again by people who have obviously never opened their Bibles to see that so-called “Christian marriage” was a contractual ceremony in which a man took possession of his new property.  What’s more, in the accepting of that new property he would actually be paid to take her.  For me, as a Christian person of faith, “traditional Christian values” means attending to the teachings of Christ and not some pastor/preacher/priest.  You know, doing the things Jesus of Nazareth commanded like feeding the hungry, housing the homeless, caring for the sick, working for justice….those sorts of things that people who complain about an absence of “traditional values” mock and intentionally disrupt through their political maneuvering.

3.     Using the knowledge that we are given through science and psychology is not caving to the pressure our kids supposedly put on us.  We are not their friends.  We simply acknowledge that the world has changed and the same authoritarian approach to coerce compliance to some abstract standard that may no longer be relevant in today’s world is a waste of time. 

Again, if you doubt what I’m saying, think about your own childhood.  But as you do remember what I said about “the good old days” and don’t let your mind play the nostalgia trick on you.

When we, as an older generation, look at what the younger generation recognizes as leadership, as their heroes, as their role models, we all too often find ourselves shaking our heads and dismissing any possible good that might come from that movie, video, song, or message.  We can’t see past the clothes they wear, the language they use, the “intentional affront to morality and decency” we perceive.  We reject them as purveyors of pornography and their message as devoid of value. 

But here’s the thing.  The younger generation or the segments of the younger generation that that actor or artist or activist is addressing sees that message sender because of how they’re dressed.  The clothes, the hair, the makeup—the whole package—establishes an instant bond and a certain amount of credibility.  Why do you think Christian clergy wear dog collars?  The language they use, including that “profanity” we might think is so completely unnecessary, communicates an authenticity to the intended audience.  It says that the speaker respects them enough not to filter their words or pretend to be something they aren’t. 

If you want to see a really good example of what I’m talking about, look at this YouTube video created by Jack Merridew (on Twitter @OfficalJackM).  A lot of Jack’s followers were upset by the content and the language.  They thought it was crude and the subject material even disturbing.  But here’s the thing:  I would be surprised if Jack Merridew ever did a video that wasn’t provocative in some way but what Jack does in videos like this is actually POWERFUL.  He’s being authentic.  He’s sharing necessary information to an audience that may not have anyone to ask and because Jack doesn’t treat them as inferior and presents himself as a real person, they trust Jack to be honest with him.  Is it the way I would have a conversation like the one Jack does?  Hell no.  But I also recognize that we can’t be all things to all people.  We just need be what people in need need us to be.  (See, that’s “traditional” Christian values talking there.)  Jack’s approach is needed because he has a credibility people like me don’t have and uses a language people like me find uncomfortable and even sometimes embarrassing.  We need to be grateful for the multitude of voices that speak to these important topics because each one, whether we agree with their approach or not, has and audience and is important.

These are not your heroes or your role models.  They are not going to use a language that you decided was appropriate; the same language the generation before yours said was too far over the line.  They are not going to abide by the rules you adhered to after breaking the rules that were set on you.  This is the natural progression of the generations, to step out and define themselves as they poke and prod and explore the world around them to determine what is right and wrong, what works and what doesn’t, and what to keep from the previous generations and what to lay to rest.

Now, for the rest of you who happen to be my younger readers.  I’m not going to spend as much time with you.  (I actually wanted to spend time with the older folks today and I think you know why.)  I hope you don’t feel cheated.  I’m not going to repeat things I’ve said with regard to becoming who you associate with and so on because I’ve already blogged about all that.  What I want to say is this:  As difficult as it sometimes is, please be patient with the adults in your life.  It’s not easy raising parents today because over the past 20 years our world has changed so dramatically it’s left a lot of older folks who were raised in the dark ages before cell phones and Instagram lost and confused.  The rapidity of information exchange and the ideas that are so easily circulated confuse and worry many of the adults in your life because their brains haven’t been trained to keep up with it all like yours have been. 

We used to focus on obvious culture gaps in our society.  They were “obvious” because they were visible.  The civil rights movement, for example, demonstrated an enormous culture gap.  But I think, with the ever evolving digital landscape, there’s an even larger culture gap between young people and older people.  I mean, there’s a whole set of cultural rules and norms for Twitter that adults don’t get and think is a waste of time.  Like the whole “liking” of things.  How many of you feel guilty for missing the opportunity to “like” something on Twitter?  How many of you feel slighted if someone doesn’t like something you tweet?  These are things adults, as a rule, don’t get.  But you get it and it’s important to you.  You can try to explain it to but be patient.  If they still don’t get it, make them listen to this piece from “This American Life” that features three teenagers trying to explain the politics of Instagram.  

By the way, adults reading this?  If you need your fix of “Hey you kids, get off my lawn!” check out this blog post I did a week or so ago.

We can get caught up in the moment.  We can make nearly any moment a make-it-or-break-it moment.  We can fight so hard to try to force “the other side” to understand and even accept “our side” (and this is true for older folks AND younger folks alike).  My suggestion?  For everyone involved?  Step back and take a breath.  I guarantee that the vast majority of adults and the vast majority of teens aren’t out there trying to intentionally upset you just because you sit on one side of the divide.  People like Jack Merridew aren’t putting content out there to “undo the fabric of civilization” or to undermine “traditional values” (whatever they may be).  We’ve become so focused on winning and winning people to “our way” of thinking that we’ve forgotten one of the most important things we should be doing:  Talking with each other.