A Real Look at "The Real O'Neals"

Lent is coming to a close so that means I should get all my repenting done. 

I need to repent something on my blog.  On March 2 I posted my thoughts on the premiere episodes of ABC (American Broadcasting Company)’s The Real O’Neals.  In my reflection I moved through stages of concern over how the show would be received and what good the show will ultimately do to a “Okay, well, it’s here so let’s give it a try” mentality. 

I got it all wrong.  Mea culpa.  Mea maxima culpa.

The show is brilliant and let me explain why and what was wrong with my original views.

The biggest issue I had with the show was that I didn’t believe the target audience was going to be there.  That is, I didn’t believe that the LGBT youth who would be able to identify with the main character would actually be sitting on the sofa next to their parents and watching the show.  I still don’t know if they are or aren’t but what I’ve discovered is that it simply doesn’t matter.  Why?  Because social media has made the living room sofa HUGE. 

For the past few weeks I’ve gotten to know clueless yet well intentioned Jimmy, sneaky, underhanded, duplicitous Shannon, terrifying and judgmental Eileen, Pat who may or may not have figured out how the drier turns off by now, Aunt Jodi who’s always got her emergency child pageant kit in her car, and, of course, dear, sweet, gay Kenny.  And as I’ve gotten to know this caricature of an American family I’ve sat on the virtual couch via Twitter and watched other people get to know them, too.  What’s more I’ve watched as Martha Plimpton, Jay Ferguson, Matt Shively, Mary Hollis Inboden and the rest of the cast join in the conversation.  This is the gift of social media:  Stars were unapproachable in previous generations but are literally right there watching with you now…from a different time zone, sometimes, but laughing and joking and enjoying the show right along with you in real time.

Social media has changed how we approach television. 

But THIS is what I’ve witnessed that has made me completely change my mind about this show.  I now believe it is one of the most important programs on TV for the LGBT community. 

Last night I watched episode 105.  In a nutshell, Shannon tells her brothers that their mother is internet dating but the truth of the matter is that she’s actually looking for a job.  This leads to his siblings encouraging Kenny to do some internet dating of his own.  I won’t spoil it for you but I will say that porn and limencello lead to A LOT of great lines.  And amidst the killer one liners and the word plays come the truly touching lines that mean the world to the LGBT audience.  In a brief exchange between characters the LGBT audience can identify themselves in the conversation for similar conversations they’ve actually had in their own lives or they see the kind of healthy and functional family that they can’t seem to find in their own lives.

In last night’s episode, as Kenny sat next to his father in the car, and lamented that he was going to die alone because the relationship thing was too complicated and that there’s a lot of homework to being gay, his father, Pat, responds with nothing but support and encouragement, saying, “It’s not complicated.  Just think about your ideal person.  What’s he like?”  Kenny says, “Right now I just want someone cute to smile at me.”

How many of us can identify with Kenny’s situation?  How many of us long for the support of Kenny’s father?  I had to stop myself midtweet from commenting that I wish Jay Ferguson would adopt me because too many of us ache for that kind of support. 

And that’s when I saw it.  People were getting that kind of support.  Not only was the show validating their own feelings, seeing themselves in Kenny’s situation, but as they tweeted about Kenny’s father’s response, so many of the cast of The Real O’Neals were right there giving people that support.  Matt Shively became Jimmy, the older brother who wants to help but just doesn’t have a clue and tweeted support.  Mary Hollis Inboden became Aunt Jodi, with her whimsy and solid support and encouragement and tweeted hugs and a willingness to be everyone’s Aunt Jodi.  And during his live tweeting Noah Galvin became a mirror for so many people at that moment you could just feel the looming clouds of many LGBT people’s lives breaking up to allow a glimpse of that rainbow—of hope and promise. 

I was right in my first reflection on one thing, though.  This show isn’t about simple entertainment.  We’ve become so accustomed to the current sitcom formula in which we’re entertained by jokes and slapstick that we forget there was a time in which sitcoms carried a bit of a “punch” to them—a glimpse into real life and suggestions on how to make it through.  Because The Real O’Neals’ premise lies in the midst of a culture that has struggled for recognition and equality for so many decades, I knew that it had to be on target and address the realities of the LGBT community within the framework of comedy.  I wrote at the time that I was worried that the show would simply be known as “that show with the gay kid.”  I don’t think there’s any danger of that anymore.  I think The Real O’Neals is the show about the gay kid we either were, are, or wish we could be and the family who, along with him, is trying to figure out what it all means.  The gift is that not only does the show take the audience along this journey of discovery but the cast have gone out of their way to join the audience on the audience’s journey of discovery.

So, I have definitely transitioned from tentative support to fierce fan and advocate.  The LGBT community and the world need this show.  It’s doing something—something I didn’t expect and something I can’t quite get my head around.  All I know is how it’s affected me and how I’ve seen, through social media, the show affecting others.

So, ABC decision makers, if you’re reading this, you really need to make sure season two happens.  You won’t regret it.

#TheRealONeals

#RenewTheRealONeals

#LetsGetReal

#YouGayBro

Not Your Role Models

I know that my readers vary in age and life experience and, though I hate to divide you, I want to talk to you separately for a moment.

First, I want to talk to the parents, grandparents, and older folks who might be caregivers of younger folks.

Every generation has a habit of looking at the next generation with an overly critical eye.  I want to make clear that we have, as older generations, an obligation to help guide and impart values and culture on the younger generation and the younger generation has a responsibility to engage in this transmission process.  That does not mean that we, the current older generation, have the right to trivialize the developing morals and values of this younger generation.  We understand more and more that to attack a person’s ideas and values and demean what is important to them actually causes considerable damage to the individual’s self-concept over a period of time.

Don’t forget, too, that the teenage years are marked by a process called “differentiation” in which teenagers seeks to define themselves as something different from their parents.  It’s part of identity development.  It’s often the case that the harder parents and other formative adults push an idea or value or theory, the harder the teenager will fight to reject that idea, value, or theory.  If you think that’s just new age psychobabble, think about your own childhood and how you fought against ideas like women being relegated to either the secretary pool or the family home or how men couldn’t be nurturing, stay-at-home parents. 

I bring this up because, given both the nature of time and human nature, we find ourselves as an older generation being the caretakers of the most progressive generation—a generation which some call “lost” or “amoral” or even “disastrous.”  Some people who feel called to comment on the status of society lament that we aren’t the “country we used to be” because we’ve lost so many of our “traditional values” as we continue to cave to the “pressure” of being our children’s friends and not their authority figures.  There’s obviously a number of things wrong with this mentality. 

1.     Our country has never been what we think it was.  That’s the trap of nostalgia; we can remember things as fondly as our imaginations will permit but the reality is that when we were living through “the good old days” they actually weren’t that good.

2.     There has never been such a thing as monolithic “traditional values.”  I wish there was a way we could strike this pairing of words from our common consciousness.  Often times we see this phrase thrown around within the context of marriage equality conversations.  “Gay marriage goes against traditional Christian values” is a statement we hear over and over again by people who have obviously never opened their Bibles to see that so-called “Christian marriage” was a contractual ceremony in which a man took possession of his new property.  What’s more, in the accepting of that new property he would actually be paid to take her.  For me, as a Christian person of faith, “traditional Christian values” means attending to the teachings of Christ and not some pastor/preacher/priest.  You know, doing the things Jesus of Nazareth commanded like feeding the hungry, housing the homeless, caring for the sick, working for justice….those sorts of things that people who complain about an absence of “traditional values” mock and intentionally disrupt through their political maneuvering.

3.     Using the knowledge that we are given through science and psychology is not caving to the pressure our kids supposedly put on us.  We are not their friends.  We simply acknowledge that the world has changed and the same authoritarian approach to coerce compliance to some abstract standard that may no longer be relevant in today’s world is a waste of time. 

Again, if you doubt what I’m saying, think about your own childhood.  But as you do remember what I said about “the good old days” and don’t let your mind play the nostalgia trick on you.

When we, as an older generation, look at what the younger generation recognizes as leadership, as their heroes, as their role models, we all too often find ourselves shaking our heads and dismissing any possible good that might come from that movie, video, song, or message.  We can’t see past the clothes they wear, the language they use, the “intentional affront to morality and decency” we perceive.  We reject them as purveyors of pornography and their message as devoid of value. 

But here’s the thing.  The younger generation or the segments of the younger generation that that actor or artist or activist is addressing sees that message sender because of how they’re dressed.  The clothes, the hair, the makeup—the whole package—establishes an instant bond and a certain amount of credibility.  Why do you think Christian clergy wear dog collars?  The language they use, including that “profanity” we might think is so completely unnecessary, communicates an authenticity to the intended audience.  It says that the speaker respects them enough not to filter their words or pretend to be something they aren’t. 

If you want to see a really good example of what I’m talking about, look at this YouTube video created by Jack Merridew (on Twitter @OfficalJackM).  A lot of Jack’s followers were upset by the content and the language.  They thought it was crude and the subject material even disturbing.  But here’s the thing:  I would be surprised if Jack Merridew ever did a video that wasn’t provocative in some way but what Jack does in videos like this is actually POWERFUL.  He’s being authentic.  He’s sharing necessary information to an audience that may not have anyone to ask and because Jack doesn’t treat them as inferior and presents himself as a real person, they trust Jack to be honest with him.  Is it the way I would have a conversation like the one Jack does?  Hell no.  But I also recognize that we can’t be all things to all people.  We just need be what people in need need us to be.  (See, that’s “traditional” Christian values talking there.)  Jack’s approach is needed because he has a credibility people like me don’t have and uses a language people like me find uncomfortable and even sometimes embarrassing.  We need to be grateful for the multitude of voices that speak to these important topics because each one, whether we agree with their approach or not, has and audience and is important.

These are not your heroes or your role models.  They are not going to use a language that you decided was appropriate; the same language the generation before yours said was too far over the line.  They are not going to abide by the rules you adhered to after breaking the rules that were set on you.  This is the natural progression of the generations, to step out and define themselves as they poke and prod and explore the world around them to determine what is right and wrong, what works and what doesn’t, and what to keep from the previous generations and what to lay to rest.

Now, for the rest of you who happen to be my younger readers.  I’m not going to spend as much time with you.  (I actually wanted to spend time with the older folks today and I think you know why.)  I hope you don’t feel cheated.  I’m not going to repeat things I’ve said with regard to becoming who you associate with and so on because I’ve already blogged about all that.  What I want to say is this:  As difficult as it sometimes is, please be patient with the adults in your life.  It’s not easy raising parents today because over the past 20 years our world has changed so dramatically it’s left a lot of older folks who were raised in the dark ages before cell phones and Instagram lost and confused.  The rapidity of information exchange and the ideas that are so easily circulated confuse and worry many of the adults in your life because their brains haven’t been trained to keep up with it all like yours have been. 

We used to focus on obvious culture gaps in our society.  They were “obvious” because they were visible.  The civil rights movement, for example, demonstrated an enormous culture gap.  But I think, with the ever evolving digital landscape, there’s an even larger culture gap between young people and older people.  I mean, there’s a whole set of cultural rules and norms for Twitter that adults don’t get and think is a waste of time.  Like the whole “liking” of things.  How many of you feel guilty for missing the opportunity to “like” something on Twitter?  How many of you feel slighted if someone doesn’t like something you tweet?  These are things adults, as a rule, don’t get.  But you get it and it’s important to you.  You can try to explain it to but be patient.  If they still don’t get it, make them listen to this piece from “This American Life” that features three teenagers trying to explain the politics of Instagram.  

By the way, adults reading this?  If you need your fix of “Hey you kids, get off my lawn!” check out this blog post I did a week or so ago.

We can get caught up in the moment.  We can make nearly any moment a make-it-or-break-it moment.  We can fight so hard to try to force “the other side” to understand and even accept “our side” (and this is true for older folks AND younger folks alike).  My suggestion?  For everyone involved?  Step back and take a breath.  I guarantee that the vast majority of adults and the vast majority of teens aren’t out there trying to intentionally upset you just because you sit on one side of the divide.  People like Jack Merridew aren’t putting content out there to “undo the fabric of civilization” or to undermine “traditional values” (whatever they may be).  We’ve become so focused on winning and winning people to “our way” of thinking that we’ve forgotten one of the most important things we should be doing:  Talking with each other.