The Story of YOUR Life

In “These Are The Days,” as Tyler struggles to come to grips with his sexuality and the dysfunction of his family, he often looks at Caleb and Caleb’s family and expresses a desire to have the things Caleb has.  To Tyler, Caleb has everything figured out and has a healthy family that supports him unconditionally.  At one point Caleb shares some advice his mother shared with him:

“When I came out to my mom,” Caleb started slowly, conjuring the memory in his mind.  “She said that we all wish we could be something or someone other than we are.  All of these people we want to be like, we don’t know their whole story.     Are they really that smart or good or inspirational?  Do they really have it all together?  And more importantly, how did they get that way?  Something or someone happened in their lives to help them become the person we see, who we end up being jealous of.  My mom said that instead of focusing on other people and their stories we should focus on our own story and make it the best it can be.”

People are constantly looking around themselves and comparing their own lives to what they imagine to be the lives of the people they respect or envy.  Notice I said “imagine.”  Our imaginations are really good at filling in the blanks that exist in our appraisal of other people’s lives.  Let me give you an example.

I’m fascinated with youtuber culture.  I can’t tell you how much I enjoy watching someone who is figuring out their gifts, who has the ambition to figure out the technology, and who not only  discovers a voice inside of themselves but a following in the world that wants to hear that voice.  There are some people on youtube who have literally changed the medium.  People like Zoella (who just crossed the ten million subscribers mark on her youtube account today) set the bar high.  They originate quality entertainment, collaborate to augment their own skills and gifts, and even sometimes articulate very real struggles they face in their lives. 

Those of us who peek through the youtube window into the homes and lives of these internet celebrities sometimes walk away wishing that what we just saw was a part of our own lives.  We all do it.  I’ve done it.  I talked about this a little in my first blog post; a part of me watches these incredibly talented people who seem to have their lives together and/or seem to be having the universe handed to them and I envy that.  I sit and wonder what my life would be like if I had the access to today’s technology fifteen years ago or if I could figure out “a voice” or “an angle” that would help me accumulate a following and all of the opportunities that come with that. 

The problem is, of course, that the five to fifteen minute video that is opened to the world via youtube only shows a small portion of the 23+ hours that remain in that person’s day, not to mention the 167+ hours that are unrecorded from that person’s week, 52 weeks out of the year.  Like I said, some youtubers are good about speaking to the world honestly about some of their struggles.  Going back to Zoella, I’m deeply impressed that she has so openly spoken of her struggles with panic and anxiety.  Some youtubers have powerfully shared their coming out stories.  Others never draw attention to their low points or their struggles or the challenges they face in life. 

And that’s okay.  Maybe that’s not a part of their voice or their vision.  I don’t think it’s the responsibility of every youtuber to offer the world a 100% accurate portrayal of their lives.  I do think it’s important for us to remember, though, that when we look at youtubers or recording artists or actors or that kid in our class or the person at work—all of these people who seem to have it all together, who appear so talented, who are lucky enough to have everything go so smoothly for them—we have to remember we don’t know their entire story.  We only know what we see.  Everything else that causes us to wish their life was our life is simply a product of our imagination. 

In reality the only person’s story we know completely (or as completely as we possibly can) is our own.  Too many times we look at our own stories and discount, discredit, and disregard them.  Our experiences are mundane, our talent is negligible, our opportunities are limited. 

Here’s the problem with that thinking.  When we compare the story we create for that person we envy to the story we muddy up for ourselves, we corrupt our story. 

How many of us would sit by and listen to someone tear another person apart?  “Your life is a mess!  Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?  Why are you too stupid to figure things out?  Why can’t you be funnier?  Why can’t you do your hair different?  Why don’t you have cooler friends?”  If we were walking down the street and came across someone being so insulting and abusive to another person, very, VERY few of us would keep walking.  We would do something to intervene.  But this kind of abusive talk is what we subject ourselves to all of the time when we compare ourselves to other people, when we minimize our own story and glorify the stories of people we don’t even know.  And like all victims of verbal abuse, we eventually begin to believe the things we so harshly tell ourselves. 

There is no greater power that we can be given than to take ownership of our story.  By all means, be honest with yourself about your shortcomings.  I’m never going to record an EP and I’m never going to paint a masterpiece.  But I am much more than my shortcomings and I will not give my shortcomings and my failings center stage in the story of my life.  I will be candid about the difficult things as best as I can, but the story of my life is not the story of a victim.  I will not exaggerate my gifts and talents but I will take pride in my knowledge and my abilities and how I am able to use these things to help others.  I will tell my story by telling my story not by drawing comparisons with the stories of people I wish I could emulate. 

God knows it can be a struggle to wrestle control of your story away from that voice in your head that likes to tell you what you lack and how far short you fall.  I think the power of our narrative is like any other muscle in our body; we have to exercise our commitment to telling our story for it to become as natural as catching yourself from falling on the ice. 

Before I end this entry, I want to address the irony of my advice to you.  “Physician, heal thyself” or some other similar sentiment has probably crossed your mind while reading this post.  How can someone who seems to be trapped by other people’s expectations be qualified to comment about the need to resist being trapped by our understanding of other people?  I’m not going to insult you by saying, “Take it from me.  This is a lesson from the trenches.”  Instead I’m going to remind you of a couple of things I’ve already said.

First, taking control of your story is a struggle.  It’s not something that happens all at once.  It’s also not something that, once done, won’t need to be done again several more times.  We all have ups and downs, good times and bad.  And that little voice inside each of us is always ready to start tearing us down again.  How we struggle to own our story is one of the fundamental themes of our stories. 

Second, we find those things in us that we can do and we embrace them.  I can’t come out at this point in my life, but I can write.  I can share my knowledge and my experience.  Like I said, I won’t exaggerate my gifts and talents but I will take pride in how I use these things to help others.  And that’s really what the writing of Troy Comets is all about—offering people the help and support and experience that is in me that only Troy Comets can express right now.

So, how about you?  How do you own your story?  What struggles have you had to overcome to take control of your story?  What nips at your heels, trying to trip you up and so you fall back into that old habit of talking to yourself in derogatory ways? 

As always, share what you’re comfortable with and if you ever need to talk, I’m always here.